Covid has given me several gifts, but the one that has had the deepest impact on me, is my relationship with love. I have begun to realise that how it is said by me and how it is received by others, in the span of a few meters of air is in fact a cazillion miles apart.
I teach, live and study yoga. And not the western concept of yoga, but YOGA, the philosophy, the practise, the understanding etc as has been taught for thousands of years in India. I feel being Indian I have a head start, but that may just be me. Having also studied the western medical, science approach to it, it is safe to say that I am on remarkably close terms with my soul.
Since as long as I can remember, I have felt love for everything and everyone. For animals, for the ocean, the sun, and yes even humans. If I could give it a description, it is like having a waterfall in me that constantly pours love and light, and sometimes builds up so much that I am left with no choice but to share it, even if when I do not want to at that moment. It really is much bigger than me, and the deeper I have moved into the practise of yoga, the more it has taught me about love, the larger that waterfalls has grown.
I begin all my personal practises with silent sitting, an old yoga practise. In silent sitting you imagine someone else’s pain or illness. As I inhale I learn to take all their pain and put it in me and when I exhale I transform that pain into love and light and send it back to them. Eventually as that practise grows, I have learnt to give and take with every living thing in the universe. And bit by bit my energy, my essence, the signal I give out has started to shift. When this happens, you start to feel a love and compassion that feels different from the love, tv, books, and society has taught you. It feels lighter, without burdens.
If you couple that with the western approach to meditation of visualization, well then you are just asking for a whole heap of love. In the most basic mediation that I do, silent sitting of giving and taking, I then add a visualization of a change I want to see in me. Not something superficial or illogical, like suddenly having a voice like lady gaga or james brown. But something along the line of wanting to feel as if I am enough just the way I am, that I am complete, that I can control my emotions and that I am loved by the universe. In much of the west, they ask you to visualise a new job, a new house, more money etc. But that my friends is just plain ol wrong. If you shift and you become a person who is grounded and lives in elevated feelings of gratitude and love, your vibration will change and then the frequency at which you vibrate will move to match a vibration that is equal to yours in the infinite universe. And then before you know it everything will change in your reality and more doors than you ever imagined, into unknowns that you could never have visualized, will open for you.
So when I talk about love, it is a feeling of wanting to share energy, to embrace another person in light and warmth, to let them know that they are loved and that you see them. It is a feeling of wanting to explode into a rainbow with all the colourful emotions, of sharing, empathy, compassion, gratitude, bliss, happiness, joy and laughter. It has no strings hanging from it. It is not loaded with expectations or conditions. It is not loaded with an entire Hollywood movie of drama, demands and the expectation that it is the others job to make you happy. No, this love gives just to give, to give light where there is darkness.
That is how I feel nearly all the time. And the more I meditate, the more I practise yoga on and off the mat, the more I shift to live in a place of love and light, the more it becomes me, and me becomes it.
But there is a problem here. In the ideal world and in the world as it should be. We should all be vibrating at this level, and therefore be constantly surrounded by kindness and this kind of love, which in essence is the only type of love there should ever be. So we are all giving and taking in balance.
But alas, we don’t live in that world at all, which has left me pretty screwed I have to say. There are so many times when I have said I love you, and it is received and heard as a romantic love and well we all know that road. Misconceptions, fears, so many fears, kick in and what started as light descends into darkness.
Or the person it is delivered to, thinks I have lost my mind and want something from them, and therefore are some type of socio path nut case. Because for them love is often painful and is nothing more than an exchange of services and emotions that comes at a cost.
Or they take it, and take it and bath in it, drink it, dance with it, and then try to steal it, and if you are not aware or strong enough, you wake up one day broken and realise they took your energy and love and dropped it so low, that it is buried somewhere you can´t find it anymore.
Or they can´t understand how someone can love them, so they reject it and shoot it right back into space. Or their mind has been so messed with, they can not conceive how someone can give you love when you barely know them.
But off course we all know each other, because shed all that conditioning, we are subjected to daily from birth and even before our birth, you will find we all share the same soul and the same energy as everything on this earth and infinite space that defines our universe. That my friends, is what yoga is about, learning all the tools to unlearn all our conditioning, so we can finally connect on a level of pure love to everything, because there is no separation from us and all living things, we are all one. Even western science is finally catching up to this reality.
So, you see we have taken love and turned into on a commodity that is packed with so many fears and insecurities that it has become a word, an emotion that has been burdened with so many weights and expectations. Like everything else, we have taken love and packed it with fear, and then added weakness to it. How wrong is that!
I really do try to love equally, but there is a love that moves deeper with someone you choose to share your live with. But that deeper love, is still not that crazy insane illogical love, it is love of a deeper acceptance of who the other person is, a love which does not judge them, a love that fills them rather than depletes them, a love where there is no need for words, because you can feel each others energy and that energy tells you everything you need to know about that person at any given moment and it is the same kind of love that you should give yourself everyday.
That love, the one I have just drawn a picture off is hard to find. But it is not impossible. Because in yoga we believe that our reality and the relationships we are in, reflect ourselves. And when you have a relationship which you can safely put in the category of toxic, unhealthy, it is because there is something that needs to shift, be healed, to be dealt with, within yourself.
And when your energy shifts and the signals you give out become healthier and the love you engage in, is the pure love that is filled with light, then that is what you will attract into your life. And that is what I believe is the meaning of soul mate. To be with someone that really sees you and you see them. But for someone to see you, you also must let them see you, and therein lies the dilemma. Because we always show what we believe the other wants to see, rather than what is really within us. And we don’t know what is really within us, unless we come to mat and do the work to truly connect.
I am not sure if it is my worst trait or my best trait, but no matter how much my heart has been trampled on because there is a deep mismatch between the love I give out and the type of love I get back, it has never stopped me from sharing that waterfalls in me. And for the most part what I get back is magical. And when my energy is vibrating with radiance, I know it, because strange animals and people respond in kindness and smiles and the people that come into my life reflect that. It has been a long hard challenging journey to get here, but the more I move closer to connecting and vibrating at a higher frequency the more I see my reality change into something more beautiful from that which proceeded it. And I am still doing the work, falling off my mat, getting back on, so who knows what magnificent unknowns await me.
But I will admit, that as humanity continues to shatter into a billion pieces, a process that has been accelerated by covid, isolation, and buckets of fear, there are moments these days, when I have felt the fear of saying I love you. Because the reputation of love and all it embodies continues to look like a car wreck in a bad soap opera. As a result, humans are shifting more and more to a place where they are struggling not only to give love, but to know how to receive it.
So say I love you, to yourself, to others, to perfect strangers. But before you do that, you must move yourself to feel that pure love within you. And you know you are getting there, when sunsets and sunrises makes you feel loved, when strange animals sit on you all the time and random animals like eagles and cats show up to your yoga classes. When you wake up one day, and although nothing in your material world has changed, everything in your energetic world has shifted, and you are now living a different reality then the one you did yesterday.
Given all of the above, is it not about time we took back Love, because if our entire existence is based on love, then it is the most important thing in the world to reclaim love and give it back the light that we keep pushing into the dark.
I love you.